24 Days is not enough

That's right, 24 days had passed since the last time we've talked to each other and still I don't feel like going back to what we used to.

It was the eve of our retreat. The dawn of our trip. The last moment we talked and mind each other. The time I told you how I'm feeling at that moment. The point when i ranted about my fucked up life.

I was a mess. I have no clue on what to do. I don't have a single idea on what to say.

I just went on with my thoughts. No inhibitions. Straightforward. Just like what you wanted.

We talked...argued...agreed...settled

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Settled for something we both know that we are not ok with. Just for the sake of ending the conversation.

It was very late. We both need to rest for the next day. I have a trip, you have a class. There's nothing we could do about it.

The truth is, the whole time, I'm totally pissed! So irritated! All I wanted is for you to say what I really wanted to hear from you. But NO. None of that ever did.

So fine. I don't care. I was really expecting that. What am I to you anyway?!

BULLSHIT!! FUCK THIS!!


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Actually, I was oh so glad and excited that we had our retreat at that time. Cause I was really at the edge of giving up.

The retreat gave me everything that I needed. Time. Space. Moment for myself to think about everything. It was a relief. Somehow, it brought me back to my senses. Though I was quite disappointed on how our retreat went. Actually, it was more of an outing than a retreat. lol. Kung kelan naman gusto ko makipag-isa sa Diyos saka naman di nangyari! But, i'm still thankful cause once again I was given a chance to spend my time with my friends. I admit that somehow I've been lacking time and neglecting them since last year.

A lot has really changed. A lot of things happened.

Too bad we can't turn back time. We can't change the pass and bring back what has happened before. Thus, this made me realize about stuff. Made things less hazy. Less fucked up. But still complicated.

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Our retreat ended, we went back to our own lives and faced reality once again. Two days after, you messaged me. I ignored you. But I was glad you did. Days passed. Then I just noticed that you left me a message everywhere. But still I refuse to respond. I was avoiding you. I'm trying to isolate myself. Trying to protect myself. Somehow, every single piece of things that reminds me off you irritates me. Memories of me and you hurts me. All i wanted was to erase you from my life. I was so confused. So hurt. So lonely. BUT I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE CLUE NOR IDEA WHY I SUDDENLY FELT THIS WAY TOWARDS YOU. I wanted to confront you but my ego is holding me back. I wanted to ask for your help, however, the mere sight of you makes me so weak that I just wanted to cry.

I feel so broken. I feel so lost. I feel so...

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And its all because of you! And that annoys me! No matter how hard I try not to be bothered nor be affected by you, I still freaking do!

It just creeps me out how you get into me! last Tuesday night, I even dreamed of you. It was oh so weird. My whole dream was so weird. And so the next day, I sent you a message. Actually its not a message its more of a ":D" smiley. Anyway, same shit. But you didn't replied. You ignored me. And that totally annoyed me. So i choose to do the same. And i said to myself that I would never talk to you anymore!

This whole semester I was so bothered. My mind is so preoccupied. Im so absorbed by you. I'm so engrossed on the fact that you are affecting me that I didn't notice everything around me. That a lot of things has passed. MY WHOLE LIFE WAS IN CHAOS.

It was our final examination week. I promised myself that I would focus on my acads this year. I told myself that for the first time in my whole life i would study. For the first time i'll try to actually pay attention to my studies. But all that went down the drain. And its all because Im in such distress.

Yesterday you were there. I didn't give a damn. I didn't talked to you nor approached you, and so were you. Everything's fine. The whole time I was trying to shift my attention to something else. Trying to keep myself busy, so as not to accidentally look at you. All is well. The day ended flawless. Everything worked out as plan. No one even noticed that something's wrong between us. The whole day passed as if were not at the same room for a moment. I was glad on how it turned out, though I was quite agitated.

Then today, it was the last day of the week. It was a rainy afternoon. I was caught off guard. I didn't expected that to happen.

I was walking alone. Earphones plugged-in into my ears. Secluding myself from everyone. I was in my own world. Minding my own business, having life realizations while walking. Having not a single care of the world.

Then you called me. I wasn't aware. I didn't hear you. So you called, and you called, then you shouted but still I didn't notice you. I was so immersed with myself. Until you grabbed me from behind with your umbrella and grasped my arm. I was shocked. So with no hesitations I turned around and was greatly surprised to see you. I was stupefied.

At that moment I really didn't know what to do or say. So i just stood there and stare. You started talking. I could see your lips moving but I can't hear a single word you were saying. I'm still at a state of shock. Slowly i plugged-out my earphones as you remove your hands from my arm. Then you told me that you were calling me and shouting for my name but I didn't respond nor pay attention to you that's why you grabbed me. Then a moment of silence filled the air. We were just both staring at each other. Then I smirked and said "ok". Then turned around. Im such a fool! I really don't know how to react during those awkward moments. Then as i was walking away, you called me once again and said something. This time I responded. You said that you'll walk with me to the other side, I replied sure if you want too then you changed your mind. And started talking gibberish. So I just told you that you're really weird and laugh. You laughed backed. Then said goodbye. Then I turned around and continue with myself.

Minutes later you texted me, asking if I'm on my way home, cause if I do you'll go with me. But I wasn't able to read it at that moment when i got the message. So there.

Like wth?! that was the most awkward moment we had. i mean, yeah we had arguments and tampuhans before but it never gotten to this level. I guess this is the longest time we didn't talked to each other. And its sad. it feels like a part of me was missing..

So we started messaging each other again, but you can notice that something is different. Every message was cold. A lot different from before. Then it started to get into me once again and irritates me. So i stopped replying. Yeah, I intentionally didn't replied to your last messages.

I guess I'm still not ready to talk to you. 24 days wasn't enough. But it was too much. Still I'm glad that i saw you and talked to you for a while even though i hated it.

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Errrrrr....... I just freaking realized why the hell am I writing a post about this?! like seriously, my main reason for writing a blog today is to address that its our last day of final examinations and it is officially the start of our one month long sembreak! YEY!!

how i wish that i could spend my sembreak just like all the regular students out there.. :( but no! instead I have to go to school or somewhere EVERYDAY! for our freaking rehearsals!!! talk about busyness!!

anyway, HAPPY RAINY SEMBREAK to everyone!! Im so excited for my outing with my friends! WOOT!! ^_^ and this time, im totally coming!! OH YEAH! :D