Have a break. Unwind

Yesterday I went out with my co-executive board and some of the probies and enjoyed the whole day at Enchanted Kingdom.

It was a blast!


lots of things happened and it was oh so fun! I just can't contain all the excitement I had.

It was the best sembreak I ever had.

**im not in the mood to actually blog and tell the whole story. lol. I feel oh so lazy :))

but one thing is for sure.

THIS IS AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE.

Sa Huling Pahina ni Chris Martinez

Saksihan ang aming mundo sa dulang handog ng

TEATRO TOMASINO...

"SA HULING PAHINA"

isinulat ni Chris Martinez

sa direksiyon ni Chi de Jesus

NOBYEMBRE 16, 17, 21, at 22, 2011

10 n.u., 1 n.h., 4 n.h., 7 n.g.

sa PETA Theater Center

No. 5, Eymard Drive, New Manila, Quezon City

Makipag-ugnayan lamang kina:

AINA (09156728411)

TIFFANY (09325400955)

Hihintayin namin ang inyong pagdating!

Is it worth it?

"When the alcohol goes in, strange things come out. Liquor is bottled poetry."

Last night, I was at my friend's party. I drunk some booze but I know that I wasn't intoxicated. I could still clearly remember everything that had happened. But, unfortunately, I was aware that I have lost control of myself. :|

Does that mean I was drunk?

Anyway, i said a lot of stuff. And when I say A LOT. I mean really lots of things. Things that I have no plans of telling other people. My secrets. My life.

Right now there's nothing I can do anymore. I've said it. They've heard it. Might as well go with it. But is it worth it?

Even though those people that I unconsciously blabbered my life secrets were some of my closest friends, I still feel uncomfortable knowing that they had already gain access to one of my life's gates. An inch closer to me.

I totally hate myself for this.

I don't even know how would I face them. How would I react. Or if anything would even change.

I just hope that all is well, and that somehow for the first time I've done something that's right. Though its totally against my will. >:(

I guess it is true that Champagne costs too much, Whiskey's too rough, and Vodka puts big mouths in gear.

I would totally lay off vodka for sure.

Could you even imagine?

Depression brings out the blogger in me.

I just realize it just now while I was looking at my blog's archive.

Honestly, I'm no fan of writing and expressing my self to others, but somehow when I'm depress or whatsoever I just resort to blogging to release all the emotions building up on me. Kinda great way to prevent myself from exploding. Heh.

Lately, I've been blogging from time to time and it actually feels good.

But then again, the root of all this is still my severe depression. -_-

The hell! If only I could take meds to ease the pain.

Blaaahhh...

Play hard. Eat hard. Drink hard.

Eat. Drink. Play.

Enjoy life to the fullest and be merry!

That's what I've been trying to do to help save myself from this deep hole that I've had fallen in.

I've been going out quite a couple of times this past few days and partying with my mates till dawn. And this is something new for a person like me. An introverted-people-hater-home-loving-computer-addict-girl.

I've been drinking hard and drowning my self with alcohol. Trying to forget about this shitty world were living, all my fucked up problems and my sucky life.

I had told myself before that I would never be that type of person who has a bottle of vodka as her bestfriend. That kind of dude that resorts to alcoholism to escape. Unfortunately, im starting to be the person I much abhore.

AND IT SUCKS!

No matter how much I don't wanna end up to be that person, I can't help myself cause it's the only way for me to still hold on and hope that tomorrow is still worth living.

Right now, I'm just trying to find ways to enjoy things despite all these mess that I've gotten into. I just wish that I won't totally change into that awful person that i hate.

Maskara

Maskara

Mga maaamong muka,
Mga titig na walang mantsa.
Kislap sa mga mata,
Tila walang mga problema.

Dungis sa pisngi,
At tamis ng ngisi.
Bahid ng kagalakan sa sarili,
Ni walang masisi.

Mukha ng kabataan,
Marka ng kamusmusan.
Pag-asa ng bayan,
Kinabukasan ng sanlibutan.

Nooy sarili ang pinagmamasdan,
Nang mga mapanuring mata.
Ngayon sarili ang nagmamasid
At di maiwasan ikumpara.

Noon at Ngayon,
Ano nga ba ang nagbago?
Bukas at kahapon,
Ano bang naging areglo?

Ngiti at ngisi ngayon,
Parehong kahulugan pa rin ba ng kahapon?

Iyak at mga luha noon,
Bunsad ng lungkot maghapon.
Hudyat pa rin ng magkawangis na dahilan.
Noon, ngayon at magpakailanman.

Iba't ibang emosyon,
Iba't ibang kundisyon.

Iba't ibang kwento,
Iba't ibang tagpo.

Iba't ibang tauhan,
Ating nasaksihan.

Maskara ng buhay,
Sinusuot ng matiwasay.
Maskara ng pagkakataon,
Hinuhulma ng panahon.

Noon at ngayon,
Magkaibang panahon,
Saan mang destinasyon,
Tayo'y aahon.

Sarit-saring personalidad,
Kani-kanyang diskarte.
Hangad ay pag-usad,
Sa ating munting byahe.

A trip to remember

Last monday, my only agenda were supposedly, initially, me with my classmates just had to fix the mess we've got into at school and talk to our department's head regarding what we should do to solve everything. Then right after that I was supposed to have a meeting with my co-executive board but that got cancelled and we already finished our stuff at the engineering earlier than what we expected.

So that left me with nothing to do.

That day actually is also the day that we set for our class outing but I ditched everyone cause I'm totally depressed these past few weeks and I have no plan of enjoying or whatsoever.

But then again, words can be waived in a blink of an eye. Lol.

So, after seeing everyone leaving right in front of me with their big bags, sweet smiles and boisterous laughters I got jealous and decided right there and then that I wanted to come. Haha.

And so the journey begins...

DAN DARADANDAN DAAN!!

We left the school right around before lunch time then headed to the train station. After the 20 minutes ride we got off and decided to have lunch before going to the venue.

Everyone was so damn hungry but no one wants to spend a single cent either. "mga kuripot" LOL. Then Cy volunteered that he's willing to treat everyone just let him eat asap! Haha.

That was music to our ears.

So we eat out then finally head to the place.

YIPPEE!!

The place was great and everyone was having the time of their lives.

Who wouldn't love all the overflowing booze and foods! Plus the relaxing pool and jacuzzi and a lot more.

From the moment we lay our foot on our destination we surely arrived in paradise.

Then the rest was history!

One word to sum up everything that we had and what had happened.

Awesome!

It was surely a trip to remember!

P.S.
I feel like i still have a hangover. Ugh! Can't even think right. Lol.

I HATE YOU!

YES. I HATE YOU.

I hate you and I wanted you to know why but I don't wanna tell you neither.

I hate you cause...

*... you messed me up.
*... you made my world crazy.
*... you made me confused.
*... you made me doubt myself.
*... you cause me pain.
*... you made me hate the world. (actually I already hated the world even before i met you, but still you made me hate it more)
*... you keep on doing things that makes me like you. And that makes me HATE YOU!
*... you are YOU.

and lastly...

I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU MADE ME FALL FOR YOU!!


and it deeply hurts me as much as it makes me insane cause I know that it just can't happen. It could never be us. Were two worlds apart.

F*CK THAT!


and of course I can't honestly accept the fact that I bent over you...

I can't...

and now I'm starting to doubt myself again..

I SO SO SO HATE YOU!!!

Goodbye...

Dear Mommy,

There's so much you needed to know. But right now, I can't even find a way to talk to you and make you listen. 

I guess your just so fed up with me and sick of what I do. I'm sorry. 

But why does it feel that everything's so sudden. You just turned me down in a blink of an eye. Are you mad with me? Do you really hate me that much? Did I do or said something bad? 

How I wish you would tell me. How I wish you would let me know. And I'm sorry if ever I was wrong.

But why now? Now when I'm on the virge of giving up. Now that I just can't seem to hold on. Now that I'm losing my only reason to move on. Now when I feel like a total shit. Now that I feel so alone. Now that I'm totally messed up.

You just don't know how much I wanna talk to you now. How much I need your touch, your hug. How much I needed you, my mother. How much I need your comfort and words that would tell me that everything's ok and everything is gonna be fine and turn out right.

How can I survive this darkness if the only light that's been leading me through these years has lost its glow and decided to just shutoff.

Forgive me for everything. Im sorry for being me.

I guess there's only one person to blame for all these crap, ME.

I get it. You must have been really regreting the day that I was born. Or maybe even the very moment I was concieved.

I wish I wasn't been born.

The world must have been a better place without me. Your life must have been perfect! 

I'm the culprit. I ruined the perfect picture of your life.

Im sorry. I didn't mean to do so.

Farewell...

Your ex-daughter,

-JR

I got an A+. YEY!! :|

Thats right, its official. I got an A+ on my most fave subject.

Sucking at Life.

I pretty much aced all its aspect.

I fucked up on the things that I love to do. I messed up with flying colors on my acads and other school shiz. I awesomely pissed off my freaking family. Im starting to get on the nerve of my mates. And finally, I'm at the edge of my emotions.

Isn't all that great? Sucking life at its finest. I'm totally like a MASTER OF FAILURE! A walking failure.

Right now, all I wanna do is to do the honor of killing myself and save the precious time of the people around me.

And eventhough i greatly hate to admit all these shenanigans that I'm blabbering about. But yeah. Its all happening. Everything's true. And it's starting to slap me right into my face.

Fuck that!!

No matter how much I wanted to hide all these stuff and keep it all to myself like some selfish-five-years-old-brat I really just can't! It's written all over me. I feel so hopeless and weak. And I hate it! I aint no pussy! Argh!

THIS SUCKS!

Hanggang Kailan?

Hanggang kailan?

_______________________

"Puso't tiwala lang!"

"Manalig tayo!"

_______________________

Mga salitang nag bibigay pag-asa. Mga katagang pampalakas ng kalooban.

Eto ang mga salitang madalas naming pinaniniwalaang mga magkakaklase. Sama-sama, umaasa na sa bawat pagsubok na aming dinadaan ay malalampasan namin ito lahat.

Freshmen. Sophomore. Junior. Senior.

Apat na antas. Apat na taon.

Sama-sama. Tulong-tulong. Karamay ang bawat isa. Hawak kamay at kapit-bisig naming tinatawid ang bawat hagupit ng tadhana.

Ngunit hanggang saan? hanggang kailan?

Gaano katagal ba ang aabutin bago mabuwag itong taling nagbubuklod sa aming samahan? Gaano kalayo ang aming mararating ng sama-sama?

Apat na taon, aming pinatunayan sa bawat isa at sa harap ng sandamukal na mga guro ang aming makakaya.

Apat na taong puno ng halakhakan at iyakan.

Apat na taong walang sawang kulitan, inuman, laruan, at tuksuhan.

Apat na taon. Nabuo ang isang pagkakaibigang mas matimbang pa sa samahan ng mga magkakapatid.

Apat na taong binuo ang tiwala at pananalig sa bawat isa.

Apat na taong nilagi sa iisang unibersidad na naghulma kung ano at sino ang bawat isa sa amin.

Apat na taon.

Ito ang kabuuang taong upang makapagtapos sa kursong aming tinatahak. Ang kabuuang panahong ibinigay sa isa't isa bago humantong sa takdang oras. Ang taning at hangganan ng aming pananatili sa apat na sulok ng aming silid-aralan.

Ang mga silid na nagsilbing tambayan ng mga walang mapuntahan, kwarto ng mga kulang sa tulog, playground ng mga makukulit at di mapakaling estudyante, library ng mga pilit na nag-aaral, comp shop ng mga di makapagpigil at katingkating maglaro ng videogames, luneta ng mga nilalangam na mga magkakasintahan, parlor ng mga walang sawang nag chichismisan at nagpapaganda, kapiterya ng mga masisiba at gutom na inhinyero at ang pinaka mahalaga sa lahat ay ito ang naging tahanan para sa aming lahat sa loob ng apat na taon.

Ito ang naging saksi sa lahat ng aming dinanas sa kamay ng iba't ibang propesor. Saksi sa lahat ng aming pagsubok na nilagpasahan sa pamamagitan ng iba't ibang paraan masama man o mabuti.

Ito na marahil ang silid ng alaala ng bawa't isa sa amin. Lahat ng mga umaagos at nagsisilakbong damdamin at emosyong aming dinanas ay nangyari at nasaksihan ng mga silid na ito.

Tawanan. Iyakan. Galitan. Sakitan. Tampuhan. Selosan. Inlaban. Pikunan. Kopyahan. Lahat!

Apat na taong pagkakaibigang di mapapantayan. Apat na taong hindi mahihigitan. Apat na taong samahang mapakailanmang mananatili sa puso't isipan ng bawa't isa ng walang hanggan.

Ngunit, paano na lamang ang mga sa kasamaang palad ay minalas at sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay bahagyang lumuwag ang kapit at tila naiwan at nahuli sa takbo ng aming paglalakbay?

Paano nila tatangapin sa kanilang mga sarili na para sa huling biyaheng ito ng aming paglalakbay, sila ay medyo maantala at mahuhuli bago makarating sa dulo ng aming paroroonan?

Hanggang kailan nila dadamhin ang sakit ng pagkakaiwan? Hanggang kailan aasa na hindi pa huli ang lahat at may pag-asa pang makahabol dito sa karerang aming sinimulan ng sama-sama? Hangang kailan madadama na ang pagkakahuli sa pagtahak sa aming huling destinasyon ay may magandang maidudulot din?

Kailan kami matututong tumayo sa sarili naming paa? Kailan kami lalaban sa unos ng buhay ng di umaasa sa iba? At hanggang kailan kami dedepende sa isa't isa?

Hanggang kailan?

Lahat walang kasiguraduhan.

Lahat ay puro katanungan.

Lahat ay nababalot ng misteryo at hiwaga.

Ngunit iisa lang ang tiyak.

Na hanggang saan man kami dalin ng aming mga paa, hanggang kailan man kami abutin, siguradong andiyan lang ang bawa't isa handang tumulong at damayan sino man. Walang alinlangan, una man silang makarating sa aming huling destinasyon sigurado andyan pa din sila upang bumalik at tulungan ang mga patuloy na naglalakbay at tumatahak sa daan patungo sa dulo ng aming paglalakbay, upang sa bandang huli lahat ay sama-sama. Walang iwanan.

Sama-sama hangang sa dulo ng walang hanggan.

Magkakapit-bisig tungo sa bagong yugto ng paglalakbay at pagtatahak sa mabatong landas ng buhay.

Sembreak?

The much awaited month-long-break is finally here!! Yey!

NOT!

Ok, so today marks the official start of our sembreak but as usual, in my world, its also the start of our whole-day-full-powered-rehearsals. Isn't it fun? Working from 8am to 12 midnight or longer! Yeah right.

Well it used to be fun and enjoyable, but not this time. Not anymore. Heh.

No school = No classes = No excuse

That means everyone needs to be there 24/7. Which is something i can't promise anymore. No matter how much I wanted to, my parents just won't allow me. I've been fighting for this for almost 2 years now and I guess they had enough.

And because... I hate to admit this but honestly my heart's drifting away from all these. It feels like I've lost the drive to move forward.

I'm so stressed and tired of everything.

And This is one of the stuff that makes me anxious. I've never been stressed about anything in my life. Ever! cause I never really gave a crap about anything, until now.

Life for me before is like watching television. I just go on with my life every single day. Come what may. Accept everything and let go once your done. And just enjoy every single show that comes right after the other and relax during the commercial breaks.

Everything's so easy. Piece of cake.

Then there's now.

.
..
.

I guess the station's signing off. Its time. Time for a BREAK.

GAME OVER!

Fuck this! Its all over!!

>:(

I'm so pissed off right now! I don't freaking know what to do. I can't accept the fact that all these is happening. And mainly it's all my fault! Well not everything. But yeah partly its cause of me..

If only I...

THE HELL!!! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!! I HATE THE WORLD!! I HATE YOU!!!

NOW WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I FREAKING DO NOW!?!!? ITS ALL FREAKING OVER!!

UGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

ITS SOOOOO UNFAIR!!

I so wanna die right now. i feel so useless. Its over. Now my whole life is totally messed-up. I totally screwed up big time!

THE END. GAME OVER.

Its over. I give up.

Its over. I give up.

Im freaking sick and tired of all this crap! There's no point of continuing.

I'm so messed up. I feel so useless.

I just wanna end everything tonight and escape from this fucked up world. It doesn't matter anyway. No one would care. No one would even notice that I'm gone.

I've been holding on for so long. I really just can't bare it anymore. All my life I've been hoping that things would change and for once everything would turn up alright. But i guess, all this time I've been wishing for the impossible.

LIFE'S UNFAIR! LIFE SUCKS!

And EVERYONE'S just FREAKING CRAZY together with this FUCKED UP WORLD!!

I feel so broken and jaded. Lost and alone.

I wanna scream out for help but no one would even understand me. Nobody would even stop and try to hear out or understand what I'm feeling. Its pointless. Nonsense.

There's no point of voicing out what I gotta say in this oh so insensitive-judgmental-helpless-world.

Everybody lies. Everybody cheats.

Trust no one but yourself.

It's what I've been doing all these years. Everything to myself. Keeping everything I feel out of others. Cause no one will even bother to know.

I'm just a spec of dust in this world. Im nothing. I rather be gone and just fade away.

24 Days is not enough

That's right, 24 days had passed since the last time we've talked to each other and still I don't feel like going back to what we used to.

It was the eve of our retreat. The dawn of our trip. The last moment we talked and mind each other. The time I told you how I'm feeling at that moment. The point when i ranted about my fucked up life.

I was a mess. I have no clue on what to do. I don't have a single idea on what to say.

I just went on with my thoughts. No inhibitions. Straightforward. Just like what you wanted.

We talked...argued...agreed...settled

.
..
...
....
...
..
.

Settled for something we both know that we are not ok with. Just for the sake of ending the conversation.

It was very late. We both need to rest for the next day. I have a trip, you have a class. There's nothing we could do about it.

The truth is, the whole time, I'm totally pissed! So irritated! All I wanted is for you to say what I really wanted to hear from you. But NO. None of that ever did.

So fine. I don't care. I was really expecting that. What am I to you anyway?!

BULLSHIT!! FUCK THIS!!


----------

Actually, I was oh so glad and excited that we had our retreat at that time. Cause I was really at the edge of giving up.

The retreat gave me everything that I needed. Time. Space. Moment for myself to think about everything. It was a relief. Somehow, it brought me back to my senses. Though I was quite disappointed on how our retreat went. Actually, it was more of an outing than a retreat. lol. Kung kelan naman gusto ko makipag-isa sa Diyos saka naman di nangyari! But, i'm still thankful cause once again I was given a chance to spend my time with my friends. I admit that somehow I've been lacking time and neglecting them since last year.

A lot has really changed. A lot of things happened.

Too bad we can't turn back time. We can't change the pass and bring back what has happened before. Thus, this made me realize about stuff. Made things less hazy. Less fucked up. But still complicated.

----------

Our retreat ended, we went back to our own lives and faced reality once again. Two days after, you messaged me. I ignored you. But I was glad you did. Days passed. Then I just noticed that you left me a message everywhere. But still I refuse to respond. I was avoiding you. I'm trying to isolate myself. Trying to protect myself. Somehow, every single piece of things that reminds me off you irritates me. Memories of me and you hurts me. All i wanted was to erase you from my life. I was so confused. So hurt. So lonely. BUT I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE CLUE NOR IDEA WHY I SUDDENLY FELT THIS WAY TOWARDS YOU. I wanted to confront you but my ego is holding me back. I wanted to ask for your help, however, the mere sight of you makes me so weak that I just wanted to cry.

I feel so broken. I feel so lost. I feel so...

.
..
.

And its all because of you! And that annoys me! No matter how hard I try not to be bothered nor be affected by you, I still freaking do!

It just creeps me out how you get into me! last Tuesday night, I even dreamed of you. It was oh so weird. My whole dream was so weird. And so the next day, I sent you a message. Actually its not a message its more of a ":D" smiley. Anyway, same shit. But you didn't replied. You ignored me. And that totally annoyed me. So i choose to do the same. And i said to myself that I would never talk to you anymore!

This whole semester I was so bothered. My mind is so preoccupied. Im so absorbed by you. I'm so engrossed on the fact that you are affecting me that I didn't notice everything around me. That a lot of things has passed. MY WHOLE LIFE WAS IN CHAOS.

It was our final examination week. I promised myself that I would focus on my acads this year. I told myself that for the first time in my whole life i would study. For the first time i'll try to actually pay attention to my studies. But all that went down the drain. And its all because Im in such distress.

Yesterday you were there. I didn't give a damn. I didn't talked to you nor approached you, and so were you. Everything's fine. The whole time I was trying to shift my attention to something else. Trying to keep myself busy, so as not to accidentally look at you. All is well. The day ended flawless. Everything worked out as plan. No one even noticed that something's wrong between us. The whole day passed as if were not at the same room for a moment. I was glad on how it turned out, though I was quite agitated.

Then today, it was the last day of the week. It was a rainy afternoon. I was caught off guard. I didn't expected that to happen.

I was walking alone. Earphones plugged-in into my ears. Secluding myself from everyone. I was in my own world. Minding my own business, having life realizations while walking. Having not a single care of the world.

Then you called me. I wasn't aware. I didn't hear you. So you called, and you called, then you shouted but still I didn't notice you. I was so immersed with myself. Until you grabbed me from behind with your umbrella and grasped my arm. I was shocked. So with no hesitations I turned around and was greatly surprised to see you. I was stupefied.

At that moment I really didn't know what to do or say. So i just stood there and stare. You started talking. I could see your lips moving but I can't hear a single word you were saying. I'm still at a state of shock. Slowly i plugged-out my earphones as you remove your hands from my arm. Then you told me that you were calling me and shouting for my name but I didn't respond nor pay attention to you that's why you grabbed me. Then a moment of silence filled the air. We were just both staring at each other. Then I smirked and said "ok". Then turned around. Im such a fool! I really don't know how to react during those awkward moments. Then as i was walking away, you called me once again and said something. This time I responded. You said that you'll walk with me to the other side, I replied sure if you want too then you changed your mind. And started talking gibberish. So I just told you that you're really weird and laugh. You laughed backed. Then said goodbye. Then I turned around and continue with myself.

Minutes later you texted me, asking if I'm on my way home, cause if I do you'll go with me. But I wasn't able to read it at that moment when i got the message. So there.

Like wth?! that was the most awkward moment we had. i mean, yeah we had arguments and tampuhans before but it never gotten to this level. I guess this is the longest time we didn't talked to each other. And its sad. it feels like a part of me was missing..

So we started messaging each other again, but you can notice that something is different. Every message was cold. A lot different from before. Then it started to get into me once again and irritates me. So i stopped replying. Yeah, I intentionally didn't replied to your last messages.

I guess I'm still not ready to talk to you. 24 days wasn't enough. But it was too much. Still I'm glad that i saw you and talked to you for a while even though i hated it.

-------------

Errrrrr....... I just freaking realized why the hell am I writing a post about this?! like seriously, my main reason for writing a blog today is to address that its our last day of final examinations and it is officially the start of our one month long sembreak! YEY!!

how i wish that i could spend my sembreak just like all the regular students out there.. :( but no! instead I have to go to school or somewhere EVERYDAY! for our freaking rehearsals!!! talk about busyness!!

anyway, HAPPY RAINY SEMBREAK to everyone!! Im so excited for my outing with my friends! WOOT!! ^_^ and this time, im totally coming!! OH YEAH! :D